The New Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh
by Thomas Night
Summary: A look at the real Hundred Acre Woods.


The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

a Novella

**Chapter 1**

In Which A Meeting is Held, and Eeyore Gets Some Help

It was a sunny day in the Hundred Acre Wood, but for Eeyore, it was another day in Hell. Not for long, though. Inside his home, Eeyore sat gloomily with the barrel of a shotgun in his mouth and his toe on the trigger. Suddenly, Tigger came crashing in through Eeyore's door, knocking the shotgun from his mouth just before it fired. The buckshot sprayed through Eeyore's roof and brought his house crashing down around him.

"Son of a bitch," Eeyore said morosely.

"Sorry, old buddy, old pal," Tigger said cheerily, "I guess I wasn't looking where I was bouncin'. It's a funny story, actually. Hey, you wanna go bouncin'?"

Eeyore sighed.

"Now, calm your Attention Deficit Disorder, Tigger," Owl said as he approached, leading what seemed to be a parade of Eeyore's friends, "We're here to help Eeyore, not go bouncing."

"There's always time for bouncin'," Tigger replied.

"N-n-n-now calm down, Tigger," Piglet said, "You should listen to Owl. After all, he did win the N-N-Nobel Prize."

"Damn straight," said Owl, "but let's all focus. We are here because Eeyore has a problem."

"No, I don't," Eeyore said.

"Yes, you do," Rabbit said plaintively. "Pooh, the box."

Winnie the Pooh waddled up, nursing a small box. He turned it upside down and out fell a bunch of honey pots.

"Not that box," Rabbit said angrily.

"That's what you get for trusting a retard," Owl said snootily.

"Oh, now don't say that," Kanga said in her motherly tone.

"It's alright," Christopher Robin said. "I have the box."

Christopher Robin set the box on the ground and they all gathered round to take a look. It was filled with Jack Daniel's and vodka bottles, bloody tissues, and crack pipes.

"Oh, dear," Piglet exclaimed.

"Do you see?" Christopher Robin said to Eeyore. "You can't keep going on like this."

"We all got together," Rabbit said, "and decided you obviously needed help."

"Well," Owl interrupted, "it was mostly my idea, but the others agreed."

"Anyway," Rabbit said, "it's clear you need help with your problem."

"I don't have a problem," Eeyore said calmly.

Owl grabbed Eeyore's wrist and slowly turned it upward, revealing a row of blood-encrusted slash marks.

"Then what do you call these?" he said.

Eeyore snatched his hand away.

"I SAID I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM," Eeyore exploded, "SO JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE."

The others fell silent. Roo was the first to speak.

"Please," said Roo, "just listen to us, Eeyore."

Eeyore looked down into the eyes of Kanga's bastard child and felt himself completely engulfed in a wave of self-loathing. He dropped to his knees and started to cry.

"Guys," Eeyore said through the tears, "I need help."

So Eeyore finished weeping into his hands and they all took a trip to the Rehabilitation Clinic.

**Chapter 2**

In Which the Friends Have Dinner at Rabbit's, and Things are Eaten that Shouldn't Be

After dropping Eeyore off at the Clinic, Rabbit decided they should all have a celebratory dinner at his hutch. Everyone came except for Owl, who said he had better things to do than spend all his time with simpering idiots. The others paid no attention to him and there was fun for all, until after dinner. Piglet had finished his meal and was going to the bathroom when he noticed what looked like a vein hanging in the air, dripping blood on him. He was deeply shaken, but determined to pay it no mind. Yet, as he returned to the party, he realized that he wasn't the only one acting strangely. Winnie was screaming something about bugs, Tigger was crying and wetting himself, and Rabbit's obsessive compulsive tendencies were acting up more than ever. He was currently scrubbing his palms frantically enough to draw blood. The only thing Piglet could recall seeing after that involved a trapdoor and a manatee. The rest was darkness.

Winnie the Pooh woke up the next morning highly confused. Gopher, sitting studiously in a chair, downing a beer, was there to fill him in.

"What happened?" asked Pooh.

"Well," Gopher whistle-lisped, "you shee, I came by thish morning to shee if I could borrow Rabbit'sh blowtorch and I found all you guysh lying on the floor. Excshept for Tigger. He wash hanging upshide down from the scheiling. I wash ash confused ash you. But upon a little inveshtigation, I learned that what happened wash, Rabbit useshed the wrong kind of mushroomsh in hish shalad. Shpecial mushrooms."

"What do you mean, special? Special like Christopher Robin says I am?"

"No," Gopher replied, "I mean shpecial ash in the kind that makesh you shee thingsh that aren't actually there."

"Oh," Pooh said. "Where is Rabbit?"

"He'sh at Piglet'sh houshe. Rabbit washn't ash lucky ash the resht of you. You guysh only woke up a little confushed. Rabbit ish having a horrible trip. He'sh schreaming at the top of hish lungsh about heffalumpsh and woozelsh. Sho Piglet and Kanga said they'd watch over him until he came out of it."

"Oh," Pooh said. Then he started to feel a-rumbly in his tumbly. So, Winnie the Pooh went home, only to find his honey pots were all empty. So he went outside and climbed the tallest tree and stuck his face into a beehive, only to get stung by hundreds of bees and fall out of the tree into a nest of carpenter bees, who stung him some more as he ran away and into a wasps' nest. So Winnie the Pooh lay on the ground, constantly repeating, "Oh, bother," as the angry insects pumped him full of stingers. Owl watched from his home and laughed heartily.

**Chapter 3**

In Which Christopher Robin Introduces a New Friend, and a Private Discussion is Called For

That afternoon, Christopher Robin was having a tea party. Everyone showed up except for Owl, who once again stated that he would rather not waste his time with such imbeciles, and Rabbit, who was at Piglet's house with him and Kanga, and was trying to kill Piglet's curtains. But for Tigger, Roo, Gopher, and good old Winnie the Pooh, there was nothing in the world better than a tea party with their best friend, Christopher Robin.

They all had a surprise that day, as Christopher Robin arrived not only with tea but also with his new friend, Enrique.

"Hi, guys," Christopher Robin said sweetly, "I want you all to meet my new friend, Enrique. I met him at the Barbra Streisand concert."

"Hallo, Enrique," Pooh said.

"Hi, Enrique," Roo said.

Gopher just sat there quietly, staring at Enrique. Tigger bounced out of his chair and landed on top of Enrique, knocking him onto his back.

"Pleased to meetcha," Tigger exclaimed. "Do you like bouncin'? I sure do! You ever see the movie Basic Instinct? I like candy."

Christopher Robin pulled Tigger off Enrique.

"I'm sorry," Christopher Robin said, helping Enrique up, "Tigger has ADD."

"Oh," Enrique said, wiping the dirt off of his tight shirt.

"And these are my other friends," Christopher said. "The one with the whistle when he talks is Gopher, Roo is the little one, and this is Winnie the "

Christopher Robin stopped, a little embarrassed. Winnie the Pooh had fallen out of his chair flat onto his rear, and was unsuccessfully attempting to pull an empty honey pot off of his head.

"Could somebody help me?" he cried. "I, um, seem to be stuck."

"Winnie the Pooh," Christopher Robin finished proudly, "my best friend."

Enrique looked at Pooh strangely.

"That is your best friend?" Enrique said disgustedly.

Christopher nodded cheerily.

"Same with all these guys, too?" Enrique said, pointing to the bouncing Tigger, the fatherless Roo, and the toothpick-chewing Gopher.

"Well, these aren't all of my friends," Christopher Robin said, "my one friend, Owl, doesn't seem to want to spend time with us unless he has to, and my other two friends, Kanga (Roo's mother) and Piglet are watching over my friend Rabbit, who's having a bad experience with mushrooms."

"Oh," said Enrique as he stared at the fumbling Winnie the Pooh, "Listen, Chris, could we go somewhere else? Maybe back to my house?"

"But I always have tea with my friends!" Christopher Robin objected.

"Please," Enrique said, making puppy dog eyes, "I just wanna have some alone time."

Then, even though Christopher Robin didn't really want to, he went back to Enrique's house for alone time. After that, Enrique sat Christopher Robin down and they had a long talk about Christopher Robin's friends, especially Winnie the Pooh.

**Chapter 4**

Winnie the Pooh and the Home for the Mentally Unstable Too

The next morning was a very special morning for Winnie the Pooh. Christopher Robin had come early that morning with Enrique and awakened Winnie the Pooh for a field trip. So, as Christopher Robin spoon-fed Pooh his morning honey, Enrique helped Pooh to get dressed in his brand new armless jacket.

"This is so nice of you two," Winnie the Pooh said. "I had totally forgotten it was my birthday. Thank goodness you reminded me."

"No problem," said Enrique. "That's what friends are for."

After they had suited Winnie the Pooh up in his new jacket, they helped him to the car and took a nice, long drive, which Pooh enjoyed greatly. Christopher Robin didn't like the ride much, though. He cried the whole way.

When they finally got to the place Enrique called the Loony Bin, Christopher Robin asked Enrique if they could talk alone for a moment. So they both stepped out of the car and Pooh watched from the window.

To Pooh it looked as if they were fighting. Christopher Robin looked very upset and Enrique just seemed annoyed. It looked as if Enrique was making Christopher Robin do something he didn't want to do. Nah, Winnie the Pooh thought, friends don't do that to each other. Christopher Robin probably has something in his eye.

After a few moments, Christopher Robin came back to the car and opened the door. Then, without any reason, he bent down and hugged Pooh, crying into his soft yellow shoulder. Enrique rolled his eyes, still annoyed.

"I love you too," Winnie said. "If you help me take off my jacket I think I could hug back."

Suddenly, Winnie noticed two large men behind Christopher Robin. Christopher Robin stood up and backed away from the car.

"These men are gonna take care of you now," Christopher Robin said.

"Are you gonna come get me later?" Pooh asked.

"No," Christopher Robin said, "you're gonna live here now."

"But I don't want to," Pooh said politely, "I want to come home with you."

"Well you can't," Enrique said. "Okay?"

"But why?" Pooh said. "Don't you want me anymore?"

At that, Christopher Robin began to cry again and he had to go away.

Enrique slipped one of the large men some money.

"Keep him doped up," Enrique said to the men. Then he turned to Winnie the Pooh. "On second thought, just give him a jar. Should keep him busy for a while."

Enrique left after Christopher Robin and the two large men quickly picked up Pooh.

"Well," said Pooh, "what are we gooohhooooew "

The large men put away their syringes and carried Winnie the Pooh into his new, padded home.

**Chapter 5**

In Which Rabbit Remains In Poor Health, And Kanga and Piglet Get to Know One Another

Elsewhere, at Piglet's home, Rabbit's screams echoed throughout the house as he struggled against the ropes binding him to Piglet's bed. Piglet and Kanga sat quietly in the living room, attempting to play checkers.

"Y-y-your move," Piglet sputtered.

Kanga gently picked up her checker and, with two clicks, beat Piglet for the twenty-third time.

"Good game," said Kanga, with a sigh.

"THE YELLOW RAIN BURNS!" Rabbit screamed from the bedroom.

"I guess I'll go check on him," Kanga said.

"It's okay," Piglet said, "I'll go."

"Are you sure?" Kanga asked.

"Yeah," Piglet said, "I have to take a p-p-p-pee anyway."

"I'm just going to-" Kanga cut herself off when she realized that Piglet was gone and she was all by herself. It seemed as if even when she was with someone she was alone. She started to cry.

Piglet came back into the room.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Kanga hadn't known that Piglet had been there. She quickly tried to hide her eyes.

"How's Rabbit doing?" she asked, hoping that Piglet would drop it. He didn't.

"Kanga," he said, "why were you crying?"

There was a long silence.

"Kanga," he said, "you can tell me. I won't tell. I'm good at keeping secrets."

She remained silent. Then, just as Piglet was about to try again, she spoke.

"I'm so lonely," she croaked out as tears trickled down her cheeks, "I haven't been with a man in twenty-eight years."

"Well," said Piglet, not really knowing what to say, "if it makes you feel any better, neither have I." He chuckled stupidly. Kanga only cried harder.

"Look at me," she wailed, "I'm a single mother with no job, no friends, and no man. I'm pathetic."

"I'm your friend," Piglet said hopefully. Kanga looked at him sympathetically.

"You're so sweet," she said. Then, before she knew what was happening, she leaned over and kissed him.

"Oh, d-d-d-dear," Piglet said. Kanga moved in for another kiss. Piglet pulled back.

"I understand," Kanga said, ready to cry again.

"No," Piglet said, "I-it's not you."

"It's okay," Kanga said, "you don't have to make excuses." Tears welled up in her eyes. She turned away from Piglet.

"No, really," Piglet said, but his words had no effect on her. He knew what he had to do. Ignoring the screams from the next room, he stood up. There was the sound of a zipper being undone, and a swish of fabric. There was a rather stunned silence for a moment, before Kanga said something.

"You-" she started. "You're a he... she...you're a... "

"See," Piglet said, "it's not you."

"Wow," Kanga said. "This explains a lot. So does this mean you...? "

"No, no, no, no, no," Piglet said. "I'm all for the l-ladies. Too bad the ladies aren't really for me."

Kanga smiled.

"I could be for you," she said. Piglet was surprised.

"You mean it doesn't scare you?" he said.

She leaned in again. They didn't say much else for a long while after that.

**Chapter 6**

In Which Gopher, Tigger, and Little Roo Learn About the Evils of Drugs, and Decide to Save Pooh

Meanwhile, as Kanga and Piglet consummated a very strange relationship, Tigger and Roo were searching high and low for Winnie the Pooh, with little luck. They were ready to give up when Gopher popped out of the ground in front of them.

"Hey, Gopher," Roo said, "have you seen Pooh anywhere? We can't seem to find him."

"You mean you guysh don't know?" said Gopher. Tigger and Roo shook their heads.

"Winnie the Pooh'sh been put into a home," he continued.

"But this is Pooh's home," Roo said.

"Right," Tigger agreed.

"Not anymore," Gopher said. "That fruity new friend of Christopher Robin'sh convinshed Robin to put him into a 'Home for the Mentally Unshtable'."

"Like Tigger?" asked Roo.

"Hey," said Tigger, offended.

"No," Gopher said. "Thish home dealsh with a little more than Attention Defischit Dishorder. This home ish filled with lovely padded roomsh and lotsh of needlesh filled with drugsh." Roo and Tigger gasped.

"But drugs are bad!" said Tigger.

"Yeah," Roo agreed, "drugs lead to other self-deprecating acts like thievery, murder, and concerts at the Electric Factory."

"Well, that'sh where they put him," Gopher said, "and that'sh where he'sh going to shtay."

"Not if we have anything to say about it," Tigger said bravely.

"What do you mean?" asked Roo.

"I mean we're going to save him!" said Tigger. "Let's go!"

"Wait," said Gopher, "I'm comin' with you, thish could be intereshting. But a little kid, a hyperactive tiger, and a gopher with a mild shpeech impediment aren't gonna cut it. We need shomeone with brainsh."

**Chapter 7**

In Which Owl's Memoirs are Interrupted, and Tigger Makes a Note of His Superiority Complex

"Chapter Three," Owl typed aloud, "The date was July the 7th, and I had just made my way home after a wild night in Mexico wh-"

There was a frantic knocking at his door.

"Are you in there, Owl?" Tigger shouted through the door. "We need your help."

"Yeah," said Roo. "Winnie the Pooh is in trouble.".

"What now?" muttered Owl. There was another loud knock.

"Owl!" yelled Tigger.

Owl scooted away from his memoirs and clopped over to the door. He reluctantly threw it open, catching Tigger in mid-yell.

"What do you want?" Owl asked, annoyed.

"We need your help," Tigger said. "We hafta go rescue Winnie the Pooh."

Owl stared at the three of them like they were idiots.

"What?" he finally said, sounding perturbed.

"They took Winnie the Pooh to a mental home," Gopher said. "We're gonna go reshcue him. We need your help."

The three waited for Owl's enthusiastic "Yes!"

"Fuck off," said Owl.

The three looked at him, shocked.

"What?" said Owl. "Don't look so shocked. Were you expecting a heroic 'Yes!', and then we'd all rush off to save your retarded friend? Haven't you all figured out how much I loathe you by now? I don't know how I ended up in these moron-infested woods, anyway. I am a Nobel-Prize-winning author, and I spend my days with a closet fairy, a retard with an eating disorder, a single mother and her bastard son-"

"Hey," said Roo.

"-a tiger with ADD, a pig whose sex I can't figure out, a manic-depressive donkey, an obsessive-compulsive rabbit, and a demolitionist Gopher with one of the most aggravating lisps I've ever heard. I am thoroughly sick of all of you. So, naturally, my answer is, FUCK OFF."

Owl went to close the door, but Tigger jammed his foot into the gap.

"What th-" Owl started, but was cut off as Tigger sucker-punched him. He staggered back a step, dazed.

"You son-of-a-bitch," said Tigger sternly. "When the hell did your shit stop stinkin'? I may have ADD, but I'm attentive enough to recognize a nocturnal bird who's had one major superiority complex ever since he won some Nobel Prize for the most boring book in the world. Do you even remember when we used to be your friends? Your family? We'd do anything for you, and the moment we really need you, you turn your back on us. Your friends. Your family. So we're gonna 'fuck off', as you so obviously wish us to, and then we're gonna go save our friend, 'cause he'd do the same for us. 'Cause that's what friends do. They help each other. No matter how stupid or inferior they are."

Tigger removed his foot from the door and began to march away, Gopher and Roo in tow.

"Wait," Owl said after them.

**Chapter 8**

In Which a Rescue Team is Assembled, and It Lives Up to Its Name

Eeyore had arrived with his shrink, Dr. Mark, just as the others were leaving to rescue Pooh. Dr. Mark was waiting in Eeyore's house while Eeyore and the gang "went to get ice cream".

Tall, black gates loomed over the five companions as they arrived.

"How are we gonna get over these?" asked Roo, but before anyone had time to answer, Eeyore kicked the gates wide open. Eeyore, although no longer suicidal, was still in a very angry mood.

"Great," said Owl, "now they know that we're here."

"Then let's move fast," Eeyore said sternly, darting up the path towards the Home. The rest scurried after him.

As they reached the hospital doors, they were greeted by four very unhappy security guards. Eeyore was like a machine. He took out the first guard with one blow to the jaw. The remaining three were a bit more cautious. All the same, they never had a chance. Eeyore grabbed one of their nightsticks, breaking its owner's arm in two places. The last few moments of the brawl were a fluffy, blue whirl of amazing combat. The nightstick made ugly cracking sounds as Eeyore struck his opponents down. Crack, crack. Down went a guard. Crack, crack, crack. Down went another. Eeyore dropped the last guard with an incredible flying kick. It was over in a matter of minutes, but it was still long enough for the Home's personnel to take shelter inside and lock the doors.

"Let's go," said Eeyore.

"We can't," Owl said, "the doors are locked. Already tried them. We'll have to find another way in."

"Hey," broke in Gopher, "where'sh Tigger?"

"Look!" said Roo, and pointed upwards.

They all looked up at the roof and, sure enough, Tigger was there, dangling a white rope for the others to follow. Roo climbed up first and the rest followed.

"There's a door up here," said Tigger.

"Where did you get the rope?" asked Owl.

"It keeps me busy when I get bored," said Tigger.

They hurried down the steps to the top floor and rushed down the hall to find Pooh. They realized, then, that they had no idea where he was being kept.

"Now, how the hell are we going to find Pooh?" said Owl.

"Beatsh me," said Gopher, "but I think-"

"Shhh," Eeyore interrupted. "I need quiet."

"Bu-" "I said, quiet!"

They fell silent. Eeyore closed his eyes. Everything was still. They stood like that for what seemed like a long time. Finally, Eeyore's eyes shot open.

"Let's go."

They rushed after Eeyore, who took off in another direction as if he knew exactly where to find Pooh. When they came to the large, white door with the little window marked 204, they saw that he was right.

Eeyore studied the door carefully.

"Locked," he said, "double bolted. Shit!"

Gopher stepped up to the door.

"Shtand back," he said, "I'll take care of thish."

They all stepped back and watched as Gopher removed his hard hat and pulled out something that looked like play-doh. He squished it into the door hinges and attached them to an intricate set of wires as easily as someone would tie his shoes. Not two minutes later, they stood at a safe distance and watched as sparks flew, the hinges exploded, and the door dropped flat to the ground. Out of the smoke stepped Winnie the Pooh, still wearing his special jacket.

"Hallo, guys," he said. "My door broke."

"HEY YOU!" a guard screamed, "STOP!"

They all turned to see two massive guards bolting towards them. They only had seconds to act.

"Tigger," said Eeyore in a voice that made Tigger actually pay attention, "get Gopher and Roo. I'll get Pooh."

Tigger leapt to, and within two bounds he had swept up Gopher and Roo and crashed through the window at the end of the hall to the ground below. Bouncing is what Tiggers do best. Eeyore moved almost as fast, bounding with a grace that was strangely beautiful and managing to keep just ahead of the guards as he swept up a surprised Pooh, who thought he was getting a hug. Before long he had landed outside, next to Tigger. They turned to each other and nodded. The five of them rushed home as the bewildered guards stared after them from the window above.

**Chapter 9**

In Which Eeyore Dispenses Some Advice, and Christopher Robin Gets Some Help

The lock clicked as Christopher Robin turned the key and opened the door of his darkened house. He had to set up before Enrique got there. The light clicked on as he shut the door behind him. Eeyore was waiting for him in Christopher Robin's recliner.

"Eeyore," Christopher Robin said, surprised, "what are you doing here?"

"You know what I'm doing here," Eeyore replied.

"I don't know what you're-"

"You put Pooh in a mental home, Chris. Your best friend. And why? For a man. For a fucking man."

"Bu-"

"Please don't speak," Eeyore said. "You helped me, so I'm gonna help you. Friends are all we have in the end. Better than any drug or any award or any lover you could possibly have. I didn't realize that, but my friends did, and they pulled me out of Hell and back into the light that Dr. Mark helped me to embrace. As preachy as this sounds, embrace the light. Friends will always be there, always. That's what you need to remember."

The doorbell rang. Christopher Robin looked towards the door. Eeyore didn't seem to notice. He stood up, looking stalwartly at Christopher Robin.

"You made a mistake," he said, "but it only stays a mistake if you refuse to fix it. Remember what I said."

Christopher Robin watched as Eeyore strolled calmly to the door and opened it. Enrique was on the other side, looking taken aback.

"Um hey uh Donkey."

Eeyore barely glanced at him as he walked by.

"What was that all about?" asked Enrique.

"Enrique," said Christopher Robin, "I think you should sit down."

**Chapter 10**

In Which the Friends Are All Back Together Again, and Christopher Robin Makes an Announcement

The next morning, the forest was abuzz with excitement as everyone watched a very unhappy Enrique catch a cab out of the Hundred Acre Wood forever.

Christopher Robin had announced that a meeting was to be held that afternoon. The occupants of the Hundred Acre Wood set up chairs and tables, then waited patiently for Christopher Robin to arrive. Piglet and Kanga nuzzled affectionately. Rabbit held his head tenderly as Gopher talked him through the end of his trip. Roo and Tigger played an exciting game of jacks and Owl helped Winnie the Pooh to get a honey pot off his head. Finally, Christopher Robin arrived with Dr. Mark. He stood at the front of the group.

"Everyone," Christopher Robin said, getting their attention, "I guess you're all wondering why I called you here."

He paused and glanced at Dr. Mark, who smiled and nodded.

"Last night I was very upset because I thought I had lost something, but I met Dr. Mark this morning, and he helped me to realize I only freed myself from a prison I couldn't see. Now all I have to do is take that last step towards freedom. So I might as well just say it. I'm uh well I'm "

"Just shay it," Gopher said.

"Shh," said Owl.

Christopher Robin felt Dr. Mark gently squeeze his hand, and suddenly he was brave.

"I'm gay," Christopher said, "I like men."

Nobody seemed surprised. Except for Pooh, that is.

"I know what that is!" he said. "That means you really like musicals, right?"

Christopher Robin looked at Pooh and smiled. "Silly old bear."

That day they all became even closer as Dr. Mark, Christopher Robin's newest friend, explained just how much Christopher Robin really liked men.


End file.
